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Dear Chilean Miners…
Somewhere in Chili Con Carne or Sopapilla or Huevos Rancheros Dear Third-World Collectors of My Metallic Vacation Fund, When your horrible ordeal began, I had no idea that this rescue craze would be...
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Dear Universe…
Universe Gamma-33/Rho-Theta-7 Dear Everyone Everywhere, I know I promised I’d be there for your birthday this year, but something extremely important came up… as far as you know. Okay, look, the...
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Dear Allah…
C/O Burj Al Arab Hotel, P.O. Box 74147, Dubai, UAE Dear Al, I saw this postcard on My way through Changi Airport in Singapore and it reminded Me that I’ve been meaning to write. I know We’ve had...
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I’m back… What’s been going on?
Many of you may wonder where I’ve been for the past eight years… not to mention the 6,000 before that. And the answer is, of course, 1) on vacation, 2) nunya business and 3) fuck off. How you like...
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Dear Jeff Sessions…
Dear Jeff, First of all, I want to be clear that although a great many citizens of My Chosen Country think of you as a racist Keebler elf, I couldn’t be more happy with you. Your cartoonish tiny...
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Dear Trump Staffers…
Dear Victims, It has recently come to My attention that you’ve been having a spot of bother. Apparently, some people think you’re monsters. Go figure. I was glad to see that you’re effectively...
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Dear Donald…
Dear Don, I don’t tweet, Myself, but I do follow you for shits and giggles. Let Me tell you, your latest tweet to Iran made Me sit up in My poolside lounge chair at The Four Seasons. I nearly...
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Dear EPA…
Dear EPA, I hear you’re bringing back asbestos, and I don’t know whether to smite you or pat you on the back. On the one hand, cancer is My schtick. On the other hand, since I’m on vacation...
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Dear Evangelicals…
Dear Evangelicals, Look, we’ve been over this before. I’m all for you shoving Me down everyone’s throats, (metaphorically speaking), but your plan to make the USA a theocracy with Donald Trump in...
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Dear Saudi Arabia…
Dear Saudi Arabia, So, you’re up to your old tricks again, eh? I was having a massage, (not the happy ending kind, more’s the pity), at the Thermal Spa at Grand Resort Bad Ragaz in Switzerland and...
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